amusing diversions take2

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Saturday, October 09, 2004

Theme six piece

I read a line once that has haunted me ever since. When I read it was like a lightning bolt going through me. “Four am knows all my secrets.” I am a night owl, and the early hours of morning bring me to a place where time seems to stop. Everything around me is still and silent, the world sits in unmoving darkness. Seconds elongate and deep thoughts are the general order of business. Normally it is a time of great peace. It’s the time when I start to unwind and get ready to sleep.
Lately it has been a tortuous time. Pregnancy is not the soothing miracle it was last time. Instead I find myself lying awake at night, praying for the baby to kick me so I will know it is alright. The clean white walls look like a hospital. The harsh florescent light I require to keep monsters at bay leave me washed out. It hurts my tired eyes. The night is confining. My husband’s gentle breathing leaves me enraged. There is no one to soothe me, no one to chase away the fear that those dark hours bring.
The stains in the carpet from long ago mishaps with India ink are like sinkholes to another world. The piles of books mock me. There is no peaceful reading in this place anymore. Clothes lying about taunt me with there untidy appearance. I have gotten so I cannot abide a lack of order. It’s as if by controlling and perfecting my environment I can make sure everything is alright this time. Time stretches without end. I cannot call the doctor, what could they do? At twenty weeks even if something did go wrong they would be powerless to stop it. What is familiar becomes distorted, somehow evil in its everyday sameness. My sanctuary is a prison of fear that will not be stilled.
Then, after endless changes of position, shakes and pokes, a feeble kick. A plea from the baby to leave it the hell alone so it can go back to sleep. In a moment everything returns to how it should be. Nervous sweat dries, my heart beat slows. My room is once again a bastion of strength and calm. Sleep will come to me now, but I know that tomorrow night will be the same.

2 Comments:

Blogger Elissa Colbry said...

This piece speaks to me on a very personal level. These are the lines I especially liked:
"I am a night owl, and the early hours of morning bring me to a place where time seems to stop. Everything around me is still and silent, the world sits in unmoving darkness. Seconds elongate and deep thoughts are the general order of business."
"The harsh florescent light I require to keep monsters at bay leave me washed out. It hurts my tired eyes. The night is confining. My husband’s gentle breathing leaves me enraged. There is no one to soothe me, no one to chase away the fear that those dark hours bring."
"In a moment everything returns to how it should be. Nervous sweat dries, my heart beat slows. My room is once again a bastion of strength and calm. Sleep will come to me now, but I know that tomorrow night will be the same."
Your work offers me the comfort of knowing that I'm not quite as alone as I often feel, especially during those very long sleepless nights. My boyfriend can boast being the only cure I've ever found for my insomnia, but only if he's cuddled up to me, with an arm over me. Most nights I'll wake up a few hours before dawn and immediately notice that he's turned over in his sleep and facing the other way, snoring away so effortlessly it irritates the piss out of me that I'm so dependant.
Please don't be put off by such a strong compliment but I'm very glad you took this course when I did. You so eloquently describe those most primal and overlooked constitutions of the human condition. I said it once but hell I'll say it again, I envy your talent.

October 9, 2004 at 7:28 PM  
Blogger Elissa Colbry said...

Oh you mean ringtones? hehe... ever hear those annoying little song clips composed of beeps and boops coming from EVERYONE'S cell phone that blend in with the car stereo if you're not paying attention? I was once addicted to downloading all of the latest songs onto my cell phone, but now it sounds like an old rotary phone when I'm getting a call... you know, the ones that sound like those old fashioned alarm clocks with the bells on top? Call me boring, I prefer simplicity.

October 11, 2004 at 7:22 PM  

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